Biker's Diary

  

A strange thing happened last week,a guy came up to me and asked 'Dude,why don't you write  your blogs anymore ?'..My initial reaction of shock was quickly replaced by a pleasant surprise and i asked.'Dude,u seriously read my blogs'..
'Yes,i do,they are kinda funny'..
KINDA FUNNY..so cool...that's the greatest review my blog has received ever since i started...the previous good review i received was when one of my friends asked 'Ye sab kaha se copy karta hai' literally translated('From where do you copy this stuff')

This incident inspired me to write this post..I had only one thing in mind and that was to get home and update my blog,nothing really mattered anymore..I received a call from my latest crush asking me to hangout with her..to which i arrogantly replied. 'Bitch Please! I have a blog to write.'..Totally Kick ass feeling.!
Well to be frank,that last thing dint happen..i just wanted to make dramatic start to this post.

Well..lets get started..This isn't going to be one of those posts where i make jokes on Justin Bieber or Twilight,i have grown as a person,i know as a mature human being i should refrain from such stuff..I am more mature than before and now i have a moustache to prove that..I kinda think with my moustache i look like Marc Anthony,yeah there is some resemblance.

Marc Anthony (How i think i look like )

So last month i decided to buy a Bike,It was a spontaneous decision,it just came to me..i should buy a bike..Well there were some issues at first..The fact i dint know to ride a bike,was one of them..convincing my friends to let their bikes for my learning pleasure was the second challenge..Finally after 4 weeks of practice i can proudly say 'Bike chalana aata hai' literally translated ('I know how to f*cking ride a bike')..

I discussed with my dad how we should buy a bike..to which dad replied..
'Why do you need to buy a bike,we already have an Honda Activa'
Me : Dad,in case you haven't noticed yet..i am a guy,i even have a moustache now and i kinda look like Marc Anthony and we guys ride bikes.
Dad : Who's Marc Anthony ?
Me : Lets not change the topic now..i want a bike..i want a bike.
Dad : OK..OK..You decide the bike and we'll talk about it later..and yeah trim the moustache you are just a pot belly away from being a Malayalam actor.

Deciding which bike to buy is a very tough job,It's kinda like wedding shopping for girls,you want something which suits you,makes you look good and something which you can flaunt while with friends..

Finally after after careful scrutiny i have i now decided to bike the most  Legendary bike of all,i won't name the bike here,i am a bit superstitious,not my fault when you are a Malayalee you are bound to be bit superstitious since young..Well the new bike has every quality i was looking for..it looks great,makes me look tall and unlike my ex girlfriend makes less noise..

i won't go into the technical specifications,because frankly even i don't know them...the only reason i am buying a bike is to showoff and be the cool guy..and speaking of cool guy i think i need to shave off my moustache because if i hear my moustache makes me look like Mohanlal,i am gonna kick some major ass.

Mohanlal(How people think i look like)  

PS : I know i don't update this blog quite often,It's not like i have forgotten about this blog..I am just to lazy to type.

Single Guy Talking

So I'm back..It's been quite a long time since i have been here,my blog feels like a zombie land..I need to update this blog quite often and i think about it every day but since 'inspiration is a
bitch',it doesn't come easy.

So many things happened since the last time I was here,

RA.One released and God saved us from the over exposure of SRK.
I know it's too late for RA.One jokes but seriously at one point of time..i even saw RA.One promos in my dreams.

'Why this Kolaveri Di' apparently is the new flavor of the season,i don't realise what the song is all about,but bowing down to social pressure the song made it to my play list.,After all Dhanush is Rajnikant's Son in law..this was bound to happen.

So some quick updates about me,I am still single,so any single girl reading this blog,you have your chances,may be we can be soul mates.,i don't know whether this sounds funny or desperate,but i don't
really care.

The other day i was laying on my bed staring at my ceiling and that's when i realised something,a
voice in my head said 'Dude,you have been single for a long time.GET OUT!' and whenever my inner
voice starts any sentence with the word 'DUDE',i take it very seriously..So i get up and stand in
front of the mirror and frankly speaking even i dint like what i saw..i hadn't shaved for weeks, my
hair's all messy & i am wearing a T-shirt with 50 cent on it..F*ck i have been single too long.

My ex dumped me two years back & i have been single ever since,apart from the breakup phase which
lasted one month..i never had the need to be in a relationship..i can't let my heart go through the
pain of breaking up once again..Cmon whom am i kidding

Ever since my breakup things have been different,Earlier when i saw a hot girl,i would like..'DAMN!!
she's hot..i should ask her out'..now when i see a HOT girl the reaction seems a bit different..its
'OH! a hot girl,i would like be her best friend,i want to be the friend she calls in the middle of
the night to discuss her problems,i want to be the guy who she takes out shopping and talks about
her prince charming'

Last week i went shopping with a girl and for some odd reason i liked it,i helped her select a new
bag and new sun glasses and now when i think about it,it was me who was having most of the
conversation with the guy at the bag store while my friend just kept looking.Something during my
evolution as a guy went terribly wrong.

Am i becoming a girl.?
I don't think so,Since i still hate the color Pink and still think Twilight is GAY!

The worst thing about being single is the sympathy that you get,I don't need your sympathy i just
need a girl who has a sense of humor and probably one who uses deodorant ,that's it..i am not
demanding,is it too much to ask for..?A good girl who understands my jokes and doesn't smell.

On the other side,I will start shaving once again..trim my hair,use hair gel(this stuff actually
works) and try to get on the right evolution path for a guy..try to be bit more masculine...so girls
 don't expect me to come shop with you,I'll start criticizing Justin Bieber, make jokes on
Twilight(especially Edward Cullen) in an attempt to be more of a guy.

I could have kept going but i will have to stop now..Gossip Girl is about to start,Guess there are
somethings which can't be changed.!!


PS : Single Girls reading this blog,Go Ahead ask me out!

Send this to 14 people...truly works

So I am back,Yeah it's been a while...i had to take a break,i dint go hitch-hicking on a trip to find my   true self...i was just lazy...layyyzzzz!!..So the Good News first..I am a Graduate now..feels GOOD,really GOOOOD...finally I get an opportunity to look at books and smile..and I would like to thank GOD for making this happen..also i bought a new cell phone,its cool,slick and looks smart..in short it's everything i am not,i think its true what people say,Guys use gadgets to cover their insecurities..but with the level of insecurities i have,iPad would have been a better option.

So last week,it happenned..It was a perfect afternoon..it was raining outside,the environment was dull,basically the kind of environment,guys like me appreciate..and then i heard
*why so serious...lets put a smile on that face*,
this was no divine intervention,it's my mobile text message tone..so i did what any guy would do..read the message..below is the content of that message..

Please read.Not joking.
 God has seen YOU struggling with some thing. God says its over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in God send this message on, please don’t ignore it, you are being tested. God is going to fix two things (BIG) tonight in your favor. If you believe in God, DROP EVERYTHING AND PASS IT ON. TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. DON’T BREAK THIS CHAIN. SEND THIS TO 14 FRIENDS IN 10 MINUTES WHEN YOU READ IT.

First thing...I am glad this message didnt say i would die if I dint forward the message.

Secondly..it says..'If you believe in God, DROP EVERYTHING',so this would mean i have to drop the phone,which would damage it and render it useless for the forwarding message purpose..you see the message itself is flawed..and this being my new cell phone I wont drop it...I truly believe GOD will understand..!!

Thirdly..SEND THIS TO 14 FRIENDS IN 10 MINUTES WHEN YOU READ IT...so how did you come up with this number 14..i tried decoding..but it was of no use...


According to me.there are three types of chain messages focusing on several core groups..

'Fwd and you will get kissed' message.
Core Group : Teenagers,Twilight fans and Perverts..
Believe me..No one is going to kiss you...if you send those messages..this is experience talking!!

'Fwd and you will be luckier than Hugh Hefner' message
Core Group : Everyone.
If you truly believe that forwarding some message would help you get some luck,then i totally respect your decision and I think we should not be friends anymore..

'Fwd or you will die buddy' message
Core Group : Everyone
Wats up with this message ??

'Fwd and you will find the person you love'
Core Group : Teenagers and Perverts..Again Twilight fans
I personally feel,if you forward this message in hopes of finding the person you love..then I sincerely hope you remain SINGLE for the rest of your life.


My Question : Since when did God have interest in text messages,
I would like to clarify that I am believer in GOD,I have faith and i dont think God would stop loving me if i dont send some forward some message,which would probably get me kissed by random girls..I think God understands that...What is funny is the fact the people who forward me those texts are educated,think logically and have an IQ above 45,(i am not sure about the last part though)

So like South Park i would like to impart some lessons on you..
Dont forward me those messages,dont mail them to me..or wait..do send them..i dont want anyone to not get kissed because of me..

OH YEAH!! GOOD NEWS!! Ravindra Jadega..or as i call him Sir Jaddu..back on the ODI India team..cool,Maybe he did forward those messages

Doggie Style :P

What's going on in this world..Are we as a country so desperate for entertainment that have to find solace in a unscripted,over acted,mindless masala flick..yeah! i am talking about 'READY'.

That's the exact point when i was enlightened,maybe this was the reason i was having all those sleep less nights ..i have to go blog something,it's been so long..,the world is craving my insanely sane thoughts,the world is going crazy,i have do put some sanity back into this world,this world who has made 'READY',a SUPER DUPER BLOCKBUSTER MOVIE,Putting sanity back into this world which thinks Pink is Gay!,Putting sanity back into this world which thinks i am desperate to be in a relationship,Putting sanity back into this world which thinks that the Aishwarya Rai being pregnant is the greatest news of the decade,Putting sanity back into this world which criticises Rebecca Black and hails Justin Bieber

Enough of me being melodramatic.
Back to My usual insane stuff

So who hates dogs..
*raises both hands*
I do.I seriously do..
let me  rephrase that..who hates stray dogs
*starts jumping & raises hands*
I do.I seriously do..

well,i don't really hate them..hate would be a harsh term to use...i dislike them...just the way i dislike tusshar kapoor movies or like working on weekends.

Stray Dogs : a creature resembling a dog,having almost all the personality traits of a dog,but unclean & stupid.(yeah i forgot stray dog lovers & stray dogs who read this might be offended)Woof!

Chal i will admit..i am scared of dogs,stray dogs in particular..firstly if you have a central nervous system and if you have receptive brain sensors you should be afraid of dogs..they have claws,sharp teeth and you never know  what they are thinking,although they sure can help with the obesity problem.,well i think that's the only feature a stray dog has got..

After my considerable research on stray dogs,i have been able to group stray dogs according to its behavioral traits..Here they are

The Hungry Kutta
Looks extremely pitiful..you feed him one day & he'll think you are his personal bitch..he expects you to feed him,bathe him,scratch his belly..he stalks you,follows you every where you go.These dogs like most stray dogs are stupid and cant really differentiate the difference between food & plastic..Occasionally found near your friendly neighbourhood garbage can.

The Haramkhor Kutta
This is the type of dog,Dharmender hates..You feed this dog one day,he'll become your pet,he'll be the best friend you ever had,he'll be there when you need him,he'll be there when you are going through a break up or facing a crisis in your pathetic life,(waise how pathetic would your life be if you have to ask a stray dog for support)..Everything thing is fine till you feed this kutta,the day you don't feed him..he'll turn into a expressionless zombie,i am not talking about Mimoh here...He'll chase you on the roads..he'll pee on your car,he'll shit on your door step..A word of advice from me..Don't ever mess with these guys..

The D'uh Kutta
Seen that dog in your colony who always has his tongue hanging out & acting plain weird
Have you ever seen a dog chase a car,bike..i mean whats going through that stupid dogs head when he does that,may be they are fans of the Fast & Furious franchise..If you are a dog what makes you chase a vehicle which is travelling at 45 km/hr...and WTF! would you do once you catch the vehicle..may be this one of life's unanswered questions..Also what makes dogs hate rag pickers,going by the dogs' expressions i can assume they are scared but WTF! would you follow & bark at someone who scares,if you are scared go hide somewhere you dumb dog.

The Sex Addict Kutta
(Just to be clear,not talking about Shiney Ahuja here)
Is it too late for that joke ??
So you are out on your first date..you want to make the best impression,you try to be funny,decent and then you see these dumb dogs have a 'mate fest' you try to look away but these dogs just keep jumping right in front of you,all you can do in this scenario is close your eyes and expect your date doesn't realise that you are a pervert,well i don't really have a problem with dogs 'going at it',what i have a problem with the ratio,the average ratio of a 'Mate Fest' at a particular time is 15:1:2

15: male dogs
1: female dog(i cant use the b word here)
2 : Your friendly neighbourhood 'moral policing' uncles who throw stones at the dogs,in an attempt to stop the 'Mate Fest'

The Cute Kutta
Well they don't really exist,just like unicorns...you want them to exist but they really don't..how can you expect a stray to be cute..expecting a stray to be cute is like expecting Amy Winehouse to turn sober,but well a stray pup is kinda cute..well if you think about it,if you are the result of a  'Mate Fest' with the ratio 15 : 2,it would be a miracle if you are just turn out to be a normal dog..

Just Rated!

I love to write,i would like to write a new blog post everyday but then when something is more in demand it just loses its X factor,also i cant seem to think on what new to write,I cant write on relationships anymore since readers have asked me to stay away from that genre,so finding something which is as interesting as dating and relationships is pretty tough..

It was a beautiful morning,i don't remember which day it was but it was beautiful,So i did what i do on every beautiful day..log in to facebook and comment on others status updates.,but this time something was different..whenever i typed facebook.com in my browser..it said cannot find server...Damn my Internet Service Provider,you ruined my plans to enjoy this beautiful day..Then a voice inside me said, Go outside Blesson,Step Outside..See The World...

My first reaction..Who's Talking..?
Since i trust random voices coming from my inside is decided to go outside,I dressed up,gelled up my hair..Tadah! Ready!
Just i was about to enjoy this beautiful i say..I saw the second greatest invention ever created..TELEVISION,for some strange reason that day it had a halo behind it too..so now i was in dilemma..Should i go outside and hangout with my friends on this beautiful day where the temperature is about 40 or should i just turn on the Television and sit on my couch and enjoy the sweet comfort of my house..

SO i did what any one of you must have did,I watched TV..*applause*

The reason i hate watching television is the type of junk that's being aired on Indian television and being labelled as entertainment,Don't get me started on the Music Channels..They all SUCK!!
So i planned to watch T.V but there's nothing to watch..in such times the best option is to watch movie channels.So i tuned into a Hindi movie channel and started to watch some 80s movie.And that when i came to know the utter stereotyping that happens in our Hindi Cinema..(The real blog starts now)

I was watching this movie...typical 80s Hindi movie when i say typical it means it had about 12 * 128 songs,about 45 fights,loud background score and Johnny Lever.I was watching it,liking it until i saw something really offensive(offensive would be a harsh term but i could think of any other word)
The villain in the movie had a sidekick named Peter.,who ran a illegal liquor business,other guy Robert was the local goon...I realised something here..why all the bad guys in Hindi movies are Christians ?

I don't have any problem with that,It just entertainment.we are not supposed to take it seriously...what i have a problem is the lack of originality when it comes to christian characters in the 80s movies..Here's something i noticed about the Typical Hindi Movies.
Only three Christian names exist in the 80s Christian cinema..

Tony - The most commonly used name in Hindi movies,He's mostly a goon or a drug addict.He's mostly found outside colleges eve teasing the heroine following which he has a fight with the Hero..Probably the most over used character in cinema

Peter - The second most commonly use name in Hindi cinema..he's overweight and runs an illegal liquor business,He's the most trusted ally of the villain and is usually drunk for the most part of the movie.

Robert - The character who has a huge foreign influence..He's the local goon..He usually doesn't have much dialogues the movies,The only dialogues he has is 'Ye poora area apun ka hai' which he says to the Hero following he has his butt kicked..


Also the non villainous Christian characters are always drunk and talk in weird English..They start their dialogues with 'What Man' and always end it with the 'What Man'
eg : 'What Man,tum daru nahi peeta,chalo Peter ke waha jaayenga..kya bolta..What Man'

Also not just about Christians..How do they actually Malayalees is a concern..I agree we malayalees do have a south indian accent..But these movies portray them is totally over the top..Malayalee characters are usually bald,overweight and just have one word dialogues..no points for guessing what word that is 'Aiyoo'..Seriously when was the last time you heard a malayalee say 'Aiyoo'..

PS : we are malayalees..we don't like to called mallus.if you are a malayalee and say your are a 'mallu' then probably you are a Jerk!

PPS : We are Indians first :D

Shopping Spree

*phone rings*

me : yello..

she : dude,u free today ?

me : *checks imaginary schedule* yeah pretty much free..

she : meet at the mall in one hour..have some shopping to do. 

me : aww..!that's so nice of you..but you don't need to buy me clothes 

she : m taking about shopping for my clothes u idiot..

me : if aamir khan hadn't worked in 3 idiots..i would have been so offended now

she : here comes the jokes..dude,your jokes aren't funny..

me : u know that's not true.

she : ohkk..back to the topic..so coming na

me  : first of all..aren't ur gal friends supposed to go shopping with you..

she : yeah! thats y i called you..

me : u seriously think thats funny..

she : Cmon,blesson...m asking you a favor..all my friends are busy and being a gal i cant make quick decisions by myself..

me : that's sexist 

she : i am a girl...m allowed to tell sexist jokes..

me : and we talk about gender equality..

she : back to the topic..meet in one hour..

me : ohkk..! even i was searching for something to write for my blog.

*a hour later at the mall*

she : finally you here..

me : so where else am i supposed to be ?

she : don't start with the jokes..let go shopping.

me : the last time i was this excited was while watching 'Rakhi ka Insaaf'

she : and you wonder why you are single..

she : let the shopping begin..

me : yeah!(fake excitement)

yeah! guys can fake it too

*At the store*

she : this looks good,so does this one..m confused..

me : why don't you buy both of them..?

she : cool suggestion,man..i knew calling you was not a mistake..,wait a sec..i already have one with the same color..

me : so Wat's the big deal,buy one more.

she : don't make regret the decision of calling you..so tell me which looks better this pink one or this semi peach one..

me : aren't they both same...they both look good on you..

she : a bit more seriousness please..

me : *thinking* inki pinki ponki...

me : the peach one..its good..its makes your face glow..

she : aww...even i felt so..i knew calling you was not a mistake..

me : yeah! u already said that..nothing more satisfying  than shopping for girls clothes on a saturday morning..

she : yeah! great na..

me : so finally its done...lets head back...

she : huh ?? we just started...i need to buy matching earnings now..

me : CRAP!

she : cmon,lets go..

me : *thinking* i should have never answered that damn phone.

me : yeah!lets get started!!

*After approximately a decade*

she : finally its done 

me : yeah!it was soo fun...time just flew..cant believe it took just 3 hours

she : even though i sense sarcasm..Thanks for your help.

me : Like Salman Khan once said 'Dosti main no thankss no sorry'

she : wateva!..we should do this more often

me : no coz this sucks..and took up my entire saturday morning..

MORAL : Never answer a girl's call on a saturday morning 

PS : Shopping with a girl is not easy as it sounds..it's real complicated..more complicated than the telecommunication system of the 1940's

Move It,Mayne

Today i am a bit sad ,I just got dumped....my imaginary girlfriend just dumped me...well i too dint like her much..But what makes me sad is she now dating my imaginary best friend...so here i am today talking about breakups..Well i am not much of an expert to talk abt breakups...but i am a malayalee,so that by default makes  me an expert in all topics..bol bacchan karne main aur free main advice dene main hum sabse aage..well I'll talk about the malayalee in me later..

Back to Breakups.
When you first hear about someone breaking up..the following thoughts comes in your mind
Guys think
Great!!,she's single now!

Girls think
Oh !what a pity..they looked so cute together..

First of all..i would like to clarify the breakup myth..you guys know the breakup myth,that's being perpetuated across our society..the breakup myth is 'She dint dump me..It was a mutual breakup'..yeah right!
there ain't no such thing as a mutual breakup..you either dump someone or you get dumped..theres  nothing like a mutual breakup...

Breakups have certain characters..
The Dumper : Also known as the bad guy/gal
The Dumpee : Also known as the loser/
The Blogger :  Me

How to deal with breakups ?
Like always i am going to give the guys perspective here..So if your imaginary gf dumps you too..follow these steps..

Go to Las Vegas
ohh..wait! I thought we were in a Hollywood movie...this helps only if you are in a angrezzi movie

Stop crying..yeah breakups are tough..lol
no they aren't...the reason you feel like crying is probably you watch too much of Disney Channel's Hannah Montana or listen to too much of Taylor Swift...take them of your play list and you will do just fine..Eminem's songs really help..seriously!

After clearing out your play list,the next step is
Hangout with your single friends...you laughed at them when you were in a relationship..now its their turn,go for a movie with them do some 'velagiri'..rather than sulking..enjoy your free time

Move On!
Don't try calling your ex,don't text her,don't mail her,and don't start stalking her facebook profile...there's no point calling her back...face it man...you got dumped..nothing wrong in that,i have been dumped several times..most of the time by imaginary gals.Don't worry there are plenty of fishes in the sea..
(I advice not to swim after a break up)

Throw away any gifts she gave you..
Girls don't really like giving gifts,particularly to guys..well no girl gives me any gifts..so if you have had the honour of receiving any gifts from your girl..throw them away..better idea is to give them to me..i wont mind..anything for a friend to get over his breakup..

Don't be a Devdas..well try being DevD
Devdas was a drunk loser..DevD was a 'high' loser atleast he was cool..
Breakups don't mean you have to stop with your life..instead its a sign you need to upgrade your coolness version..
My  coolness version 15.0.
(doesn't necessarily mean i have been dumped 15 times)

Don't cry on facebook..
As if dealing with Farmville,Cityville and Mafia Wars request weren't enough,i now have to deal with  your personal relationship crisis on facebook..instead ask me for some good status updates..anything for a friend to get over his breakup..

Revenge is sweet..!
The Best way to get over a break up...date someone much hotter than your ex..den call your ex..
n say the following words
'I have moved on,BIYAACH!'

To my imaginary Gf..I have moved on,BIYAACH!!