Shopping Spree

*phone rings*

me : yello..

she : dude,u free today ?

me : *checks imaginary schedule* yeah pretty much free..

she : meet at the mall in one hour..have some shopping to do. 

me : aww..!that's so nice of you..but you don't need to buy me clothes 

she : m taking about shopping for my clothes u idiot..

me : if aamir khan hadn't worked in 3 idiots..i would have been so offended now

she : here comes the jokes..dude,your jokes aren't funny..

me : u know that's not true.

she : ohkk..back to the topic..so coming na

me  : first of all..aren't ur gal friends supposed to go shopping with you..

she : yeah! thats y i called you..

me : u seriously think thats funny..

she : Cmon,blesson...m asking you a favor..all my friends are busy and being a gal i cant make quick decisions by myself..

me : that's sexist 

she : i am a girl...m allowed to tell sexist jokes..

me : and we talk about gender equality..

she : back to the topic..meet in one hour..

me : ohkk..! even i was searching for something to write for my blog.

*a hour later at the mall*

she : finally you here..

me : so where else am i supposed to be ?

she : don't start with the jokes..let go shopping.

me : the last time i was this excited was while watching 'Rakhi ka Insaaf'

she : and you wonder why you are single..

she : let the shopping begin..

me : yeah!(fake excitement)

yeah! guys can fake it too

*At the store*

she : this looks good,so does this one..m confused..

me : why don't you buy both of them..?

she : cool suggestion,man..i knew calling you was not a mistake..,wait a sec..i already have one with the same color..

me : so Wat's the big deal,buy one more.

she : don't make regret the decision of calling you..so tell me which looks better this pink one or this semi peach one..

me : aren't they both same...they both look good on you..

she : a bit more seriousness please..

me : *thinking* inki pinki ponki...

me : the peach one..its good..its makes your face glow..

she : aww...even i felt so..i knew calling you was not a mistake..

me : yeah! u already said that..nothing more satisfying  than shopping for girls clothes on a saturday morning..

she : yeah! great na..

me : so finally its done...lets head back...

she : huh ?? we just started...i need to buy matching earnings now..

me : CRAP!

she : cmon,lets go..

me : *thinking* i should have never answered that damn phone.

me : yeah!lets get started!!

*After approximately a decade*

she : finally its done 

me : yeah!it was soo fun...time just flew..cant believe it took just 3 hours

she : even though i sense sarcasm..Thanks for your help.

me : Like Salman Khan once said 'Dosti main no thankss no sorry'

she : wateva!..we should do this more often

me : no coz this sucks..and took up my entire saturday morning..

MORAL : Never answer a girl's call on a saturday morning 

PS : Shopping with a girl is not easy as it sounds..it's real complicated..more complicated than the telecommunication system of the 1940's

Move It,Mayne

Today i am a bit sad ,I just got dumped....my imaginary girlfriend just dumped me...well i too dint like her much..But what makes me sad is she now dating my imaginary best friend...so here i am today talking about breakups..Well i am not much of an expert to talk abt breakups...but i am a malayalee,so that by default makes  me an expert in all topics..bol bacchan karne main aur free main advice dene main hum sabse aage..well I'll talk about the malayalee in me later..

Back to Breakups.
When you first hear about someone breaking up..the following thoughts comes in your mind
Guys think
Great!!,she's single now!

Girls think
Oh !what a pity..they looked so cute together..

First of all..i would like to clarify the breakup myth..you guys know the breakup myth,that's being perpetuated across our society..the breakup myth is 'She dint dump me..It was a mutual breakup'..yeah right!
there ain't no such thing as a mutual breakup..you either dump someone or you get dumped..theres  nothing like a mutual breakup...

Breakups have certain characters..
The Dumper : Also known as the bad guy/gal
The Dumpee : Also known as the loser/
The Blogger :  Me

How to deal with breakups ?
Like always i am going to give the guys perspective here..So if your imaginary gf dumps you too..follow these steps..

Go to Las Vegas
ohh..wait! I thought we were in a Hollywood movie...this helps only if you are in a angrezzi movie

Stop crying..yeah breakups are tough..lol
no they aren't...the reason you feel like crying is probably you watch too much of Disney Channel's Hannah Montana or listen to too much of Taylor Swift...take them of your play list and you will do just fine..Eminem's songs really help..seriously!

After clearing out your play list,the next step is
Hangout with your single friends...you laughed at them when you were in a relationship..now its their turn,go for a movie with them do some 'velagiri'..rather than sulking..enjoy your free time

Move On!
Don't try calling your ex,don't text her,don't mail her,and don't start stalking her facebook profile...there's no point calling her back...face it man...you got dumped..nothing wrong in that,i have been dumped several times..most of the time by imaginary gals.Don't worry there are plenty of fishes in the sea..
(I advice not to swim after a break up)

Throw away any gifts she gave you..
Girls don't really like giving gifts,particularly to guys..well no girl gives me any gifts..so if you have had the honour of receiving any gifts from your girl..throw them away..better idea is to give them to me..i wont mind..anything for a friend to get over his breakup..

Don't be a Devdas..well try being DevD
Devdas was a drunk loser..DevD was a 'high' loser atleast he was cool..
Breakups don't mean you have to stop with your life..instead its a sign you need to upgrade your coolness version..
My  coolness version 15.0.
(doesn't necessarily mean i have been dumped 15 times)

Don't cry on facebook..
As if dealing with Farmville,Cityville and Mafia Wars request weren't enough,i now have to deal with  your personal relationship crisis on facebook..instead ask me for some good status updates..anything for a friend to get over his breakup..

Revenge is sweet..!
The Best way to get over a break up...date someone much hotter than your ex..den call your ex..
n say the following words
'I have moved on,BIYAACH!'

To my imaginary Gf..I have moved on,BIYAACH!!

Twilight : Ek Amar Prem Katha

If you read my blog,you might have noticed a few things...
1)I never won a prize in spelling bee.

2) I hate Twilight..

Well I don't hate Twilight,hate would be a harsh word..i just don't like it..there's something about Twilight that repulses me,although i haven't read the book,i have seen the movies and i know you cant judge a book by its movie..that's the closest i got in my attempt to understand Twilight..

So today i am going to give my unbiased review on the movie Twilight...I know its way too late to give a review..but as they say..better late than never..also a reader asked me to write a review,and i take my readers requests very seriously(not really)


The Story

For starters,Twilight revolves around two characters.Bella(Kristen Stewart) and Edward Cullen(Robert Pattinson).
Seventeen year old Bella has to move to Forks,a small town near Washington and live with her dad after her mom marries some baseball player.Bella for some odd reason has a constipated expression on her face throughout the movie and i don't think its part of the character..she's quiet and introvert yet manages to befriend many students at her new school on the very first day(these must be very good kids )
.. One more odd thing about this movie are the people in this movie,they are all white,too fair well most of them,at one point i thought whether this movie was funded by 'Fair & Lovely'..
Back to the review,If there's one scene in the movie which i found to be interesting it has to be the scene where our hero Edward Cullen and his family is introduced,i don't know what but that scene always makes me smile..
So our Bella is now intrigued by the mysterious Edward Cullen,who happens to be  108 year old vampire,i knew gals like older men but this is pushing the limits..
Also Edward seems to be intrigued by Bella,?
reason : he cant read her mind..well does she have any ?
he secretly watches her sleep, a 108 year old vampire in your room watching you sleep thats CREEPY....i seriously question Bella's intelligence,when inspite of knowing all these she continues to be with Edward,if had a guys done such creepy act he would have been termed a pervert,....double standards!

Edward opens up to Bella,the secret of him being a vampire and why they don't come out in the sun : reason : HE SPARKLES....awwwwww....!
Another interesting part of the movie are the Cullens..
Rosalie Cullen : she's pissed off Cullen..
Emmet Cullen : the 'Salman Khan' of the Cullens
Alice Cullen :  she predicts future..or something like that
Jasper : he's weird..he too has a constipated expression on his face,i am assuming it has something to do with the character...also he reminds me of Arjun Rampal,coz there's just one expression on his face.
Carlisle & Esme Cullen : The Head Cullens

Climax : In Twilight,there some vampires who actually harm humans,when one of them tries to target Bella we get the final confrontation between Edward and the bad guy which is very badly directed and probably the worst part in the entire movie..

Whats Good :

The film last two hours..well that's not really a good news.

The film is visually appealing,looks great,the only reason i watched this movie

Whats Bad

Bella is dating a 108 year old Vampire,that is bad on so many levels.

Special Effects...i have seen better special effects in Ramsay movies

My Rating **

Girl Power

I am usually not the 'talker' in a social group,m mostly the guy who likes to notice things and blog about them,doesn't sound cool but yeah it is.I really like to categorize things..everything..Today i am going to categorize the different types of gals i come across,Yeah! no talking about relationships today,i am over that 'i need a girlfriend' phase,m back to being the usual funny,weird guy..

Talking about girls..lot has been said about them..their behavior,their likes and dislikes...i am not going to repeat all of that now..you already know that,if you don't,then kindly refer 'Cosmopolitan' or 'Femina',they really do help.

Today i am going to categorize the different types of girls,i usually come across..here they go..

 'We are sophisticated' 

Ideology :I wont talk to you unless you compliment on this scarf i just bought.

I personally call them 'high maintainance' group.They dress like  models,act like one and eat like one too,they think every other gal is a b*tch and try to ignore everyone.I like hanging around this group,not because they are fun to be around just because they provide such good material to write at my blog,Ever wondered who  actually reads fashion magazines...this group members constitute 98.45 % of the total fashion magazine reading world..

(You might be wondering how i get to hangout with these girls,well perks of being funny)

'Twilight Zindabad'

Ideology : Twilight is the greatest work of literature  

This group is further sub divided into two teams

Team Edward

Team Jacob

The girls belonging to this group select a particular team for themselves depending upon their personal liking for Edward Cullen,the Vampire or Jacob Black,the Werewolf..This group was previously known as the 'Harry Potter Fan Club' but following Twilight's sparkling success the group had to be renamed due to the public outcry.

'Girlie' 

Ideology : hmmm...does Pink make me look fat ?

This group constitute about 75% of the total girl population..These are the girls who like the color Pink, Teddy Bears, Bryan Adams and Justin Bieber.Another peculiarity about these girls, they like to stick stickers on everything from bags to purses,everywhere there's something addictive about stickers which really 

attracts these girls..

My boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the world

Ideology : If you are a girl,stay away from my guy

The Name says it all..yeah you have a bf that's really awesome..but stop pestering me with all your love problems,these girls have a never ending list of bf questions..stay away from them because if you piss them off..they have their bf's to kick your butt 

The most commonly used phrases by these girls are 

My Boyfriend is the greatest boyfriend.

My Boyfriend is the greatest boyfriend ever.

 The Tomboy 

Ideology : wtf are you staring at ?

These girls are really cool.if i ever want to be in a relationship it would be only be with a tomboy kinda girl.These are the type of girls with whom you don't have to think before talking,totally fun to be around.They are intelligent,determined,outgoing and confident and are really good to have conversations with.

PS : Don't mess with them,they sure know how to kick some butt

The B*tchy Types

Ideology : If i know it,so should the entire universe 

Did you know ABC is dating PQR...aww..!don't tell anyone you heard this from me

Does this one need an explanation ?

'The girl who you cant date'

Ideology : Don't you dare ask me out,i will humiliate you in public

There will always be girls whom you really like but no matter how hard you try,how much hard you think you don't really have a shot with them...

Damn! Classification sure is tough

Why I Blog

Are you a Guy ?
Are you Depressed?
Are you feeling Lonely ?
Are you a Justin Bieber fan ?

If you answered all these above questions with the word 'YES'
that proves you are single and you have really bad taste in music...oh wait that explains your single status

Since Valentines Day is fast approaching,i spend the major part of my day looking for my potential dates and since i have almost null experience in this matters,i would like to share with you some of the tips you need to do to impress girls and probably get dated..
PS : These tips dint work for me,so don't bother trying them..if they do indeed work,let me know..
Here they go..

Change your play list
If you want to have any chance of dating a girl ever,then the first thing you need to do is remove all Justin Bieber songs from your play list,this may not help you in impressing any girl just do it for the sake of humanity.


BE FUNNY to be precise Witty..!
If there's anything i know about girls,then it's this,they LIKE funny guys,i know its a cliche,but they sure do..If you are funny thats put on the radar with girls,it gets their attention and once you have their attention you are in the GAME..

Note : being funny doesn't necessarily mean commenting on every random person you see,don't over do
it,you aint auditioning for 'The Great Indian Comedy Show'...don't come off as a JERK!

Work your Charm
Now that you have her attention,all you have to do is work your charm over her,in case you don't have your personal charm,watch some 90s Hindi romantic movies and learn,i watched a bunch of them and it really helps,if suniel shetty can get girls so can you.

Just Be Confident..Confidence is the key

Pretend to like Twilight,atleast try

Well,i know this one's a bit tough and weird too...but most girls really like,i mean they are really crazy about Twilight...i still remember the day i went to watch Twilight : New Moon,a decision i still regret making...all i could see was girls,girls n more girls talking about how cute Edward was and why they hate Bella.

Bottom line : Read Twilight,i tried reading it once...and i am still stuck on the first page..its just so engrossing..

Give her Compliments 
If there's anything girls like more than Edward Cullen,its hearing compliments about herself,but please don't overdo it,girls are not DUMB..they sure can differentiate a genuine compliment from a phoney one,and don't be a jerk when complimenting her also please refrain from complimenting on her clothes too often,you don't want to come across as Gay....
Please don't use the following compliments (they dint work for me)

Compliment 1
hey looking cute,reminds me of babe(the pig)

Compliment 2
This dress sure makes you look slim..

Compliment 3
Did they have a sale at the cosmetic section ?

Stop flooding her with your texts

So u have her number,doesn't mean you text her every 10 minutes.,not only you come across as a weirdo..it makes you look desperate,and the last thing a girl needs is a despo stalking her..
Also if you really are so desperate,send some texts but make sure you spell correctly and check for grammar mistakes...don't make her feel that you flunked fifth grade

Write Blogs

Now you know why,i am here..

Advice Needed...

In my previous post 'Single Blues',i mentioned how it was hard to find a girl who's intelligent,creative and has a good sense of humour someone like Tina Fey.
You guys would be glad to know that finally i met a girl with all those qualities,well not as creative as Tina Fey but sure close.
           
So i thought to myself,there's no way you can date this girl,she's good for you...but then i thought(i know i think a lot),finally you meet a girl who's fits your criteria so why not try..no harm in trying!
See,this is confusing and since i haven't been involved in the dating game in a long time,i really don't know what to do.
If i do ask her out,two possible outcomes
1)Happy Ending
She accepts the proposal and we date happily ever after.

2)Not so Happy Ending
She rejects my proposal,humiliates me in front of her friends and ruins my hard earned reputation

You see there are serious risks here..what scares me is i am having sleepless nights,its either insomnia or if Hindi movies are anything to go by.its LOVE
and if i don't ask her out,i may remain single forever

So i did what every intelligent guy would do,look for advice and when it comes to giving advice English romantic comedies are the best bet,they all have the same story,different characters and if you watch too much of them sometimes you may relate to them..but that dint help at all...so here i am back to square one,looking for advice from you guys..do tell me what to do coz when it comes giving love advices everyone is a self proclaimed LOVE GURU...or at least suggest some good romantic movies..

i know this surely sounds like some romantic comedy movie but trust me it isn't,although i do provide the comic relief,it really isn't..

PS : I know this sounds too desperate.

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKShow Time.

Post 2000,the Indian television industry took a giant leap..i am not sure in what direction they actually leapt… our television shows SUCK  or do they really…I take a look at the most talked about shows on television today

Here’s  top 5 shows you should watch out for…I mean literally watch out for them


Uttaran
Easily the most confusing show I have ever seen..

The Plot: Iccha and Tapasya are childhood friends. Iccha is poor while Tapasya is rich and spoilt, Now Tapasya’s family wants her to get marry Veer, but tapasya doesn’t like Veer she likes Siddharth
and ignores veer, Veer now  likes Iccha and asks her to marry him,she agrees, now all of a sudden tapasya likes veer and wants to marry him,iccha lets tapasya marry veer on her wedding day,veer comes to know about this betrayal on his ‘suhagraat’ and wants a divorce and wants to marry iccha again,but now Veer’s brother Vansh likes iccha and wants to marry her…iccha agrees to marry vansh meanwhile veer divorces tapasya….and for some reason  vansh kills himself and tapasya gets the blame…since iccha is single again..veer decides to marry her and iccha too agrees(the fiasco continues)…..

Good Thing about the show: Its duration is only  30 minutes

Bad thing about the show :  Its still on air.

Channel : Colors

Balika Vaddhu
The title seems to be misleading, when I saw the show I dint see any ballika but there were quite a few vaddhus.

The Plot : No matter what people say, this show is a saas bahu show,the show started well highlighting the issue of child marriage but months into airing it went to same way most shows go i.e deviate from their original plot & storyline , Dadisa(the saas)  tries her best to make life difficuly for her three bahus…Sumitra,the eldest bahu,Gehna,the  intermediate bahu and Anandi,the youngest(shes the protagonist),while the actors are doing a decent job and what a makes the show somewhat bearable,but what makes it almost unbearable is the background score,every five minutes there's this random music which makes you cover your ears and scream..the producers seem to give every actor equal footage, every week dadisa takes on a new bahu in hopes to revive TRP’s

Good thing about the show : Actors

Bad thing about the show : Misleading title & background music

Channel : Colors

Laagi Tujhse Lagan

Weird Show

The Plot : It is the love story between Dutta Ram Patil a powerful ganster and Nakusha a beautiful girl,wondering what the weird part is ???
Here it is…Nakusha is a beautiful girl,in order to save her from the snare of her neighbors her mother cover her face and her body with kaajal  everyday..you people must see this show and see for yourself..but this secret is revealed and the family decides to flee their village because the village inspector wants to marry nakusha,Dutta (the protagonist) saves them from him and takes these total strangers to his castle like house and offers them work…& I thought ‘bhalai ka zamanna hi nahi hai’

Good Things about the show : kaajal  incident 

Bad thing about the show :  below average acting

Channel : Colors

Saural Genda Phool

Wannabe Show

The Plot : Suhana,a rich,spoilt pampered girl gets married to Ishaan,a middle class guy with qualities exactly different from suhana.suhana who isn’t interested in the marriage is forced into this marriage finds it difficult to adjust with the middle class ways of living…as I said the show tries too hard to be funny,…every 5 minutes  random characters are introduced and dialogues seems to be inspired from the book ‘101 ways to annoy your audience’

Good Thing about the show:  Good Lead Actors

Bad Things about the show : Dialogues and over acting by side actors

Channel : Star Plus

Saath Nibhana Saathiya

AWESOME SHOW

The Plot : This is truly an entertaining show,I truly feel..its a total saas bahu show and it is quite entertaining…The story revolves around Gopi, a simple village girl married in a rich family..her husband Ahem(cool name) hates her, seriously look at things from his perspective if you are a rich guy why would you marry a simple village girl..but the real star of the show is Kookila, gopi’s mother in law and her conflicts with her other bahu Rashi, the evil bahu..As I said the show is really entertaining..the actors do a fine job and the story/concept  is old but sure is fun

Good Thing about the show:  Everything
Bad Things about the show : Only airs for 30 minutes
Channel : Star Plus